Forgiveness
by Sassy-Lesbian
Summary: A 22 hour bus ride to Toronto offers a lot of time to think.


A/N: I was curious as to what possibly could have gone through Cosima's mind on the bus ride from Minneapolis to Toronto. This is my take. Unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine.

When all is said and done, when Delphine is god knows where feeling god knows what, all you're left with is time. You're on a bus from Minneapolis to Toronto with no internet, no textbooks, and no one to talk to. Thankfully, you're seated alone, the closest person in front of you and across the aisle. You're glad, you think, because having to explain your reddened eyes to some overly concerned stranger would only serve to worsen your mood.

It will be awhile before you can forget, before it grows dark and you grow weary enough to actually be able to sleep, so for now all you have is your music and the view as it passes by outside. You close your eyes, let your head roll rhythmically with the beat pulsing through your headphones, but you can still see her.

You knew who she was, what she was, before you even met. She was too convenient, too approachable, too everything really, but you thought you could play the game. And you did, for all of five seconds. Her crocodile tears never fooled you nor did her ridiculously good transcript, but behind the mask, see through as it was, you saw a smile so genuine you couldn't help but melt.

A bump in the road jars you from your trance and you realize your music has stopped. You queue another playlist and lean back again, letting your eyes flutter closed. You see her smiling back at you as she takes a drag from her cigarette, your playful teasing having no effect on her at all. You'd held her hand the entire time you ran and you admit to yourself now that no one's has ever fit better in your own than hers.

You remember the warnings Sarah had given, your constant reminders to yourself that Delphine couldn't, shouldn't, be trusted. You remember ignoring them all as you let yourself fall deeper into her smile.

Her mind is unparalleled by anyone you've ever met, and you know, _you know_, she's not faking that. And when you kiss her for the first time you know you hadn't misinterpreted anything, but she pushes you back anyway, leaves in a rush, flustered, and you're left wondering where you went wrong. But then you remember. She's your monitor. She's supposed to observe and entice and engage when necessary, but never for your benefit, or even her own. She's being selfless, you think, where the others have not, keeping that last bit of distance to preserve the science of it all. And when you think of it that way, you know you'd have done the same.

When she shows up at your door the next day you give her an out, apologize, and settle for enjoying whatever of her company you can, content to let things be. For the science. But when she doesn't take it, when she turns to you and cups your cheek and captures your lips your mind goes blank. You forget the rules and forget the science because Delphine is kissing you and it's everything you imagined it would be.

Later, after you've indulged in Eskimo pies and another impassioned round of lovemaking, she sleeps next to you and your mind starts to race. She'd broken the rules, risked the science, and all you can think is that she must've needed something. She'd been given a reason to break the rules, that's the only explanation you can grasp; she'd been given the opportunity and she'd taken it. Nothing more, nothing less. You're prepared to let it go, let it be, but when she doesn't back off, doesn't back away, you let yourself forget that this is all still a game.

This time your eyes open of their own accord, a tear making it's way down your cheek as you adjust to the waning daylight. You were getting played all along; you knew it, and yet you ignored it. And for what? Not for the science, but for your own selfish reasons. You weren't lying when you'd told her you reciprocated her feelings, that it was nice to meet someone who got it, who got her, and you'd held onto that as tightly as possible for as long as you could. But all dreams end when someone shakes you awake.

Sarah had pulled the rug right out from under you and you couldn't deny it anymore. Acknowledging the lies, the betrayal, it hurt, killed you a little bit inside, but it wasn't the worst of it, not at all. The worst was the truth in her eyes as she tried to make you understand, the pain in her voice as she admitted to everything she'd done wrong. That was what got you. You wouldn't believe her blindly, not again, you couldn't risk it a second time, which is why you stooped so low, why you took a dig not at the job, not at the science, but directly at her, where you knew it would hurt the most.

She'd left after that.

* * *

There's a lot of time to think on a 22 hour bus ride from Minneapolis to Toronto, a lot of time to play back moment after moment, memory after memory, good and bad. You've gone through it all, several times, and you can't think of one thing you could've, would've, done differently. You slept a little, if not enough, but the sun is up and there are only a few hours left before you have to deal with reality again, with Sarah. Your tears have dried but you can't get Delphine's face out of your mind. How you wish it was her smile you were focused on, the bashful one with her lip trapped between her teeth, but it's not.

Your mind won't stop replaying the last time you'd seen her face, the pain, the sadness, the fear, the emotion you still refuse to acknowledge was real. You can't help it now though, what's done is done, and it's not like you could make it better if you wanted to. And you do. But you're still mad and hurt yourself; you were used and lied to and even though you let it happen you still blame Delphine the most. You blame her smile and her mind, her passion and her determination. You blame the way it felt to kiss her, to hold her, to be held.

You admit it now, finally, as the outskirts of the city loom in the distance, that what you saw behind the fear, behind the regret, was the thing you feared the most. Delphine had fallen for you just as you'd fallen for her, and while all she'd done was exactly what you'd expected her to, you'd done worse. You'd attacked the one honest thing the two of you shared. In time you could forgive her, maybe, if she proved herself true, but as your tears well again, fall one by one, you wonder if there's a chance she'll ever forgive you.


End file.
